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“Signs” of Respect, by Dr. Monica Williams-Murphy

Monday, 08 Jun 2015 17:26

About Dr. Monica Williams-Murphy (120 Posts)

Dr. Monica Williams-Murphy is a Board Certified Emergency Medicine Physician, who practices in one of the largest emergency departments in the United States at Huntsville Hospital. Through her writing and speaking, she is devoted to transforming the end of life into a time of peace, closure and healing. Media Page


A “Sign” is defined as an object, quality or event whose presence indicates the probable presence of something else.

One day after having read, “Attending the Dying” by my friend Megory Anderson, I found myself at work in the ER. There was a half-naked psychotic lady screaming in the hall, the sound of a beeping ventilator alarm escaped from the curtained room of a man in respiratory failure, and a large crowd was gathering outside of Bed 2 because a matriarch was dying. Although I am accustomed to such visual and auditory chaos, it struck me that my dying patient and her family were not. Further, as I stood in this hall with the family whom I was attempting to shepherd along in creating a good death for their well-loved matriarch, I became acutely aware that I was not following the wise counsel set out by my friend, Megory.

In her brief and powerful tome, “Attending the Dying- A Handbook of Practical Guidelines”- Megory sagely advises those of us who accompany others on their journey towards last breaths. Standing in the bustle and roar of the ER, I could clearly recall her words regarding creating a sacred space for the dying and their loved ones:

“You have the calling and ability to set the stage for a good and holy death.”

“Creating sacred space is one of the first steps in setting the environment apart from day-to-day issues, which in turn helps everyone present remember the sacredness of the event unfolding.”

“Contain or mark the space.”

“Try to make this an intimate experience for the family, within the boundaries of the medical unit.”

“A sign on the door is always appropriate.”

Hmm…I thought, “What I really need is a sign. But what would it say?”

I mused that my favorite sign would go something like this:

“Shut up! Can’t you see that someone is dying in here?”

Being known for my public decorum, however, I decided against this one. But, what?

I could not imagine the family wanting a sign on the door that overtly stated that someone was dying. This would rob them of some of the privacy that I was hoping to create.

I could not come up with anything decent and reasonable on my own so I turned to the experts. In my ER, we have these fabulous humans called “Patient/Family Representatives” whose job is to socially, emotionally and spiritually help support and gain resources for people who are critically ill or dying. If ever there was a font of wisdom, these people are it! So, I presented the idea to them and of course they had the solution and here it is:

quiet please

Ah, now there we go.

This sign promotes respect and privacy without announcing the condition of the patient.

Brilliant!

So, I shared this on twitter and got this interesting response.

Love it! But this has to be “branded” or a commonly understood symbol for uninformed people to understand the message, or this funny response might be the product:

Ha!

So the point is that indeed a sign is often a necessary, simple and powerful tool in defining a sacred space for the dying, particularly in a medical facility. But remember, when creating YOUR OWN signs for this purpose: A “Sign” is defined as an object, quality or event whose presence indicates the probable presence of something else. You have to understand the sign to obey it!

Make sure your sign is recognizable, respectful, and gets the job done.

Thank you, Megory, for teaching us how to better attend the dying and to groom the environment practically and with dignity, even within the chaos of the ER.

*****

To learn more about Megory Anderson’s work visit the Sacred Dying Facebook page

Dr. Megory Anderson was called to a vigil at the bedside of a friend who was dying one night. That experience was so powerful that she began working with others who needed help attending to those who were dying. Today, Anderson is the executive director of the Sacred Dying Foundation in San Francisco, and trains others in the art of “vigiling,” a way of attending to the needs of the dying. She may be reached at: Megory@sacreddying.org

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"It's OK to Die" is a ground-breaking book filled with graphic stories straight out of the Emergency Room illustrating how most Americans are completely unprepared for death and dying. In response, the authors have created a unique and comprehensive guide urging EVERYONE to prepare in advance, to assure their own peace and to prevent the suffering of their loved ones.
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4 thoughts on ““Signs” of Respect, by Dr. Monica Williams-Murphy

  1. Dave Savage

    The universal symbol and sound for quieting a room of children or adults, a few or thousands at a time, is your index finger to your lips, the tip of your finger under your nose and thegentle sound of SHSHSHSHSH. The sign can have a close up of a caring face doing that with the words “A sacred space has been created in this room”

    Reply
  2. Rea

    Good humor and great depth. Someone asked recently: But how many Dr. Murphys do we have in our ER’s to help patients? Not many! Maybe not even one. If a patient and family need a sacred space to do the work of a good death, she will find a way…preserving respect for everyone involved. Call it public decorum or whatever you like. There is a pain-free way to teach the ethical route.

    (Frankly, as far as signs go, I like the Cadbury bar best. It says something good is happening right then and there.)

    I think we should read Megory Anderson’s Handbook, too…!

    Reply
  3. Chaplain Denise LaChance

    Some L&D, NICU and pediatric units in some hospitals, use a small photo of a purple Iris or a butterfly. I believe the purple Iris comes from an organization called RTS Resolve Through Sharing, which has advocated good practices and provided education about supporting dying infants and children and their families.

    Reply
    1. Dr. Monica Williams-Murphy Post author

      Denise,

      What a lovely image. Thank you for sharing. It seems that purple may be a theme among such organizations. Does anyone know this to be the case or why?

      Reply

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