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Bitter and Sweet: The paradox of living with dying, by Darcy Thiel, MA

Monday, 03 Mar 2014 17:00

Father's Day- Tim and Darcy

The name of my book is “Bitter and Sweet, A Family’s Journey with Cancer.” Here is a brief summary. In April of 2010, my husband Tim began to have some strange sensations in his side. On May 7, we found ourselves facing stage IV gallbladder cancer rather than a simple gallbladder removal as planned. Five months and one week later, my husband died. Those five months were the most difficult and horrifying time of our lives. It was also an extremely beautiful time for us. We found ourselves using the phrase “bitter and sweet” so often during those five months, that it was an obvious title choice. What follows is the short version of our story…

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Our lives had been full of paradoxes. How do you fight for your life and yet accept mortality at the same time? How do you maintain optimism, which is necessary for health, and prepare for your death and get your affairs in order? How do you understand God’s love and compassion, and yet experience cancer and suffering?

It’s a sad story, but I promise you, our story is also filled with humor, tender moments and hope, alongside the ravages of a cruel disease. When life hands you lemons, you can pucker up and make a sour face, or you can make lemonade.  I think we did both.

Tim and I had a tough marriage. We spent the entirety of our ten years together in counseling. We made progress, but happiness was always a struggle. After diagnosis, we actually worried that kind of stress could be the end of us. Tim was a “glass half empty” guy and I thought for sure he would be angry and buckle under his prognosis. Boy, was I wrong. What I witnessed instead, was the total transformation of a man, a woman, a marriage, a family, a community. While things were obviously horrific battling a vicious disease, we also experienced the most amazing bond and love that we had spent our lives hoping for.

For the first time, we read together, appreciated each other fully, and reprioritized what was important. We started walking our dog together. When Tim got too weak, we took the wheelchair. When I got pneumonia, I would push him halfway and then we would switch positions and he would push me back. I will never, ever forget those moments.

Even the most simple things had greater meaning. Tim would talk about enjoying a hot shower and feeling the sensations of the warm water on his body. He would walk around our yard and come in with tears in his eyes and talk about the beauty he was able to take in. For the first time, he went into work late on our son’s first day of school because he just didn’t want to miss it. New priorities, new appreciation.

When you stare mortality in the face, it is amazing how quickly things can change. The things that you spend your life worrying and fighting about are suddenly rendered ridiculously less important. The housework isn’t so important. Money isn’t the biggest stressor. And I had the joy of watching Tim rekindle and reconcile family and friendships that had been forgotten or stuffed away in a corner. Sometimes that meant confronting painful things. Tim was a peacemaker and avoided conflict. But I saw him stand up for me in ways that I had not seen in the decade we had been together. Why? Partly because he saw me grab a hold of fighting for his life, his comfort and well-being in a way that he had not seen either, but that he was clearly worthy of.

Why do I continue to respect and admire my husband three years after his death? Because in spite of his fear, he faced his ending and he did it remarkably well. He chose his cemetery plot and designed his headstone. He wrote birthday cards for his eight year old son until he turns 18. He wrote wedding cards to this three unmarried sons so he could share his love for them on their big days. Amazing.

So many others were changed as well.  We learned to be receivers, to let people help us and the results were astounding. People brought 90% of our meals, cleaned our house, ran errands, entertained our son, put up a fence, helped with yardwork, and even did our shopping. The benefit was that we were able to concentrate on Tim’s appointments and sneak in those walks or spend time with our kids. The benefit to everyone else? The church learned how to rally around their people. The community rose to the occasion. Here is what people said: “Please don’t rob us. We WANT to help. We can’t do anything to stop what is happening to you. What we CAN do, is provide a meal.” It was actually truly and genuinely important to other people, to feel like they were contributing to our lives. That is powerful.

I want to share the last paragraph of Bitter and Sweet. It is actually what I wrote for the bulletin at Tim’s funeral.

“While cancer is a cruel and clever disease that wreaks havoc in your life, my husband and I were able to find and experience so many gifts, treasures and healings in our lives. Since his diagnosis, we have truly been transformed, as individuals and as loving, lifelong partners. Our spiritual lives blossomed and grew in ways I would not have thought possible. And so much of that happened because of the loving, compassionate, strong hands, arms, and feet of the people of God. No one would deny that we are truly the luckiest people on earth, even with the loss we suffer. Few others could boast the kind of dedication and support we have felt poured out upon us. ”

I will never tell you that the cancer path isn’t hard, difficult, gut wrenching. But I will always say, there is a gift in every challenge. Your life can be profoundly blessed and changed in spite of your difficulties. Facing mortality can have a positive, profound impact on your life, if you choose to let it.

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Darcy_Thiel

Darcy Thiel, MA is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in NY State.  She earned her Master’s Degree in Clinical Psychology from Wheaton College in Wheaton, IL.  Ms. Thiel has been a couple and family therapist in West Seneca, NY since the mid-1990’s.  She is also an accomplished speaker and presenter on various topics throughout the western NY area.  In addition, Ms. Thiel owns a business helping people de-clutter and organize their homes and offices.  Ms. Thiel also owns Baby Coop Publishing LLC and is excited to be releasing her first book, Bitter and Sweet, A Family’s Journey with Cancer http://www.babycooppublishing.com/.

Darcy is known for giving her heart and soul to whoever, or whatever she is focused on.  Her dedication is fierce and unrelenting.  She has used her personal experiences with divorce, re-marriage with step-children, and serving as chief caretaker during her husband’s terminal illness to further develop compassion and understanding for others.  To learn more about her, visit her website at www.marriageandfamilycounseling.net

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2 thoughts on “Bitter and Sweet: The paradox of living with dying, by Darcy Thiel, MA

  1. Dr. Monica Williams-Murphy Post author

    I love how well Darcy is able to describe the power inherent in facing our mortality. Her husband’s legacy is a reminder to us all that if we live every day as though it could be our last, that our existence may be transformed into something heretofore unknown, something more beautiful and more amazing than the present. Thank you Darcy for your bold work and for sharing your and Tim’s story. I’m sure he is proud of you.

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  2. Rea

    Very interesting and unusual comments about grief and community service. They remind me of other words: “The bad in our lives is an invitation to the good.” A time of pain and troubles can bring us closely together in compassion, sincerity, forgiveness… A time of suffering is one of our most important paths to positive growth. And yes, grief changes us. We don’t “get over it” or “snap out of it.” We do learn from it. One of those lessons: live every day as though it were our last. Loss enhances our love of life. — Nicely said, Darcy.

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